Every day is a struggle. For all of us really, but mostly for people like me who have Bipolar Disorder. A quick intro, I'm sure as I go along you'll learn way more about my past than you ever really wanted to know. I'm a 44-year-old crazy woman with a 15-year-old son, a 21-year-old daughter and my savior, my beautiful 6-month-old grandson. He's saved my life at least twice already and I'm sure he will again. I suffered from "depression" since I was 14, back in the day when bipolar was "manic-depression". I've been on boatloads of drugs, but currently choose to live my life as drug-free as possible, only using 1 anti-anxiety med when I really need it. Why do I want to write this? Well, I've always been a writer, back as a teenager I had journals for each one of my personalities (one for the shy, insecure me and another for the drunk, self-medicating mean girl I thought I needed to be) and I've started and stopped more journals than I can count over the years. I had a pretty successful career and marriage almost 20 years ago, and I lost it all over a disease I can't control. Now I "manage". I get up every morning and sort out how I feel, what kind of day it is (good, bad or just go the hell back to bed), I started my own business that I work when I feel up to it, and I work part-time as a server in a little family owned restaurant to make "real" money to give to my husband so he can pay the bills because I have proven to be incompetent. It sounds harsh, but it's true. I can't deal with stress, which makes so many things impossible for me. Decisions, confrontations, deadlines, and pressure are no longer words in my vocabulary, just because they can't be. I've been hospitalized probably around 4 times, the first time when I was 16 or 17, it's just one more thing I try to avoid on a daily basis. Ok, so going back to read all that-I'm not trying to be a morbid depressing person and all that intro sounded depressing to me. All my life, one of my greatest escapes has been dreaming myself into my favorite tv shows as a really cool character, mostly because I thought I was boring. These days I realize that most of my life has been insane and that maybe boring wouldn't have been such a bad thing. Now that I've probably got you all wondering why the hell you ever started reading this in the first place, I'm going to stop for now. Come back and visit, meet the family, the ones who protect me, and those who have tried to destroy me along the way. Will it be a fun journey? not always, but it WILL be HONEST, and heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time. So follow me......@katunleashd.
~Kath~
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