Time for a Mental Brain Dump

Let me start by saying there is no way I could ever talk as fast as thoughts go through my head.  It's physically impossible.  I can't tell you how many times I just stop in the middle of a sentence because my brain was already 5 thoughts ahead and I forgot was I was talking about.  Ninety percent of my life is lived inside my head.  Thoughts, dreams, wishes and even hallucinations make up most of my day.  I'm proud to say I'm a high functioning lunatic, but there are days I'd really rather not be such a head case.  My road to being healthy is tough, I try to eat healthy and organic, my brain certainly doesn't need any chemicals that will do more damage, and I take a lot of vitamins.  I put them in a shot glass every morning.  I rarely drink alcohol these days, it only makes things harder to deal with, and I honestly don't miss it.  I'm sure the hubby wishes my OCD leaned more towards a clean house, but let's face it that's never going to happen.  I really want to get a dog, he says he has enough trouble taking care of me and the man/child, he doesn't have the time or energy for a dog.  I would really like to figure out a way to make enough money writing so I didn't have to rely on having a JOB.  It's funny that just the thought of going to work most days is enough to make me panicky.  I hate driving.  I've always said if I win Powerball one of the first things I would do is hire a driver so I never have to drive again.  Who gets panic attacks just from driving somewhere new? yep, me.  Even with a GPS I just can't seem to get over it, and then I'm pathetically excited when I make it to my destination. YIKES.  I don't hesitate these days to tell people I have Bipolar Disorder, one-I'm not ashamed (kinda) and two-when I do something that seems insane I figure I've already warned them ahead of time.  Being a grandmother is almost a paradox, I don't feel old enough to have two grown children, much less a grandchild.  I love him to pieces, and when they move it will break my heart.  Both my kids are wonderful human beings, which says alot for them as I certainly will never win any mother of the year awards.  They both know I love them and would do anything for them, which has to be enough for me.  I'm grateful that I have a family that is very supportive, they've always been there to pick up the ball-all the many times I've dropped it.  I can only fake being a responsible adult for so long, then my brain decides to shut down and go on vacation.  So, if there's anyone out there who knows anything about getting grants, I'm looking for one to write.  I can't fake it forever, but I'm not ready to give up yet.

Peace and Love~Kath

Rants and Routines

For those of you that are new here, I'll recap-I am bipolar and unmedicated.  Well, pretty much.  One little baby anti-anxiety pill for panic.  THAT'S IT.  Compared to the the 8 plus medications a day I was taking 5 years ago, that's pretty amazing.  So how do I do it? Well I rant alot and I have a routine.  Granted most of my ranting is in my head, unless no one is home then I do it out loud.  My routine is actually pretty simple, I get up early, have 2 cups of coffee, take my vitamins and get my ass out of the house.  Even if I just go see my grandbaby a mile away, I get out.  I play on Facebook, Twitter and a few other sites, I work my business every day (even if all I do is watch a training DVD or check my business email) and I work my part time job.  Did I tell you at one point I was actually in charge of 325 employees?? Pretty scary huh? I can't remember to pay my bills on time.  Another reason I'm thankful for the internet.  My credit score is out of the 400's! On the first I go online and schedule my 5 bills throughout the month-TADA! done.  I learned this lesson after divorce, splitting $110k in credit card debt (probably not fair to Prince Charming since impulsive spending was always an issue for me) bankruptcy, then after that STILL managing to put my house into foreclosure twice.  I've learned to control my spending, mostly by giving all my money to the toad but I am working on my very own savings account.  Put money in, DO NOT take any out!  My very own safety net-who'd of thought it was possible? Certainly not me! Don't get me wrong-I still go on spending sprees-I just try and limit them to the grocery store these days.  The part time job-it's a JOB...it gives me a PAYCHECK to bring home to the Toad, so he can pay the REAL bills.  It has zero responsibility and any 16 year old kid can do it.  I just do it with more personality.  There are no headaches, no deadlines and I NEVER have to bring work home.  I've learned I have to compromise to lower my stress levels and keep myself somewhat sane.  I've found that a menial, no pressure job works for me.  But I just cannot bottle up all of this genius inside my head....hence the blog posts.  The need to get out of my head some of the rantings and musings....some mind you, not all.  Can't have anyone trying to force me into one of those lovely 5 day stays at a psych ward...been there, done that.  The food is good, it's like a little vacation and you look around and say "HEYYYY maybe I'm not quite as crazy as I thought I was" then you go home and wham! yup you're a nutcase again.  Ah well.  Goals, set goals. I make lists. LOTS of lists. Less than before, but still alot.  I have about 30 hobbies.  As long as I keep moving, don't stop and think, don't dwell on what could have been, or what could be,  I'll be ok.  One day at a time...easy does it.  Nope not AA,  just my way of coping.

Until next time,

K~

Let me tell you about the day I met Prince Charming

It was the weekend before my 18th birthday.  I was heading over to the Whole Donut, my usual stop after drinking for a bit at a little hole in the wall dive bar that no longer exists.  I walk in and there is a buddy of mine, ok actually I guy I once stole from my best friend (who in her ultimate sweetness forgave me immediately)and he's sitting next to this guy, who's sexy in an older than me kinda way and then and there I decided I was getting an introduction.  So I grabbed a coffee and plunked my sexy ass right in between them. Mission accomplished.  Turns out he's married, but let's face it, I love a challenge and I knew it was true love when it was almost a month before we actually slept together (hello-I did say BEFORE my 18th birthday!)  He was sweet and wonderful, making sure I ate well, trying to keep me outta the bar, and putting me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve.  Within a year we were living together and life was pretty perfect.  I loved him, loved his kids, hated his soon-to-be ex-wife.  The almost 14 year age difference meant nothing.  We did so many crazy, silly things.  He indulged my every whim, and yet took care of me and treated me like gold.  Then we got pregnant.  I refused to get married before she was born, but we did get married 3 months after.  A few months later, we had a daughter, a house and all of our friends thought we were the perfect couple.  And we probably were.  But let's not forget my still undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  At this point when my daughter is about 3, I've been a stay at home Mom for about a year, quite the Koolaid Mom in the neighborhood.  The only time I get dressed up is to go to the grocery store.  I'm bored.  So I go to school, learn to do taxes and work the tax season. Now I decide I like getting out of the house and socialising, so I look for a permanent job.  I found one I really like-a home improvement warehouse full of hot guys..yup you got it, a recipe for trouble.  But I get a promotion and some new friends and poof! there goes my picture perfect marriage.  I needed the excitement, he couldn't take the jealousy.  Every time he pushed, I pushed back.  And before I knew it, I pushed too far and off my daughter and I went to live with my Mom.  I figured it out, what I was giving up....but by that time I had done so much damage to his ego, he couldn't cope with the thought of being hurt again, so on the day we planned our reconciliation, I got a letter in the mail saying he was on his way to Florida with his girlfriend.  I made calls, lots of calls...got nowhere.  And that day had a psychotic break so bad I almost didn't survive.  I've never trusted anyone so much and been hurt so badly.  The worst thing was I knew it was all my fault.  That horrible attention seeking behavior, the drinking and the disease had taken from me the one person who would have done anything to keep me safe.  The divorce was amicable but I can tell you right now, you never forget.  You try to forgive yourself for being a fool, you make excuses, curse the disease that can make you do the stupidest things.  All I have left are the memories..some bad...but mostly good.  And the grass is never greener, in case you were wondering.  I would give anything to go back and fix it...but time and people both move on.  He has since forgiven me, and I'm thankful for that, and thankful at I had the 10 years I did with my very own Prince Charming.  Next time, I'll tell you how I met the Toad. Talk about night and day. 

But for now~goodnight all~

Inside the mind of the Bipolar Grandma: Here Comes Gramma-"she's the crazy one"

Inside the mind of the Bipolar Grandma: Here Comes Gramma-"she's the crazy one": Every day is a struggle.  For all of us really, but mostly for people like me who are bipolar.  A quick intro, I'm sure as I go along you'll...

Here Comes Gramma-"she's the crazy one"

Every day is a struggle.  For all of us really, but mostly for people like me who have Bipolar Disorder.  A quick intro, I'm sure as I go along you'll learn way more about my past than you ever really wanted to know.   I'm a 44-year-old crazy woman with a 15-year-old son, a 21-year-old daughter and my savior, my beautiful 6-month-old grandson.  He's saved my life at least twice already and I'm sure he will again.  I suffered from "depression" since I was 14, back in the day when bipolar was "manic-depression".  I've been on boatloads of drugs, but currently choose to live my life as drug-free as possible, only using 1 anti-anxiety med when I really need it.  Why do I want to write this? Well, I've always been a writer, back as a teenager I had journals for each one of my personalities (one for the shy, insecure me and another for the drunk, self-medicating mean girl I thought I needed to be) and I've started and stopped more journals than I can count over the years.  I had a pretty successful career and marriage almost 20 years ago, and I lost it all over a disease I can't control.  Now I "manage". I get up every morning and sort out how I feel, what kind of day it is (good, bad or just go the hell back to bed), I started my own business that I work when I feel up to it, and I work part-time as a server in a little family owned restaurant to make "real" money to give to my husband so he can pay the bills because I have proven to be incompetent.  It sounds harsh, but it's true.  I can't deal with stress, which makes so many things impossible for me.  Decisions, confrontations, deadlines, and pressure are no longer words in my vocabulary, just because they can't be.  I've been hospitalized probably around 4 times, the first time when I was 16 or 17, it's just one more thing I try to avoid on a daily basis.  Ok, so going back to read all that-I'm not trying to be a morbid depressing person and all that intro sounded depressing to me.  All my life, one of my greatest escapes has been dreaming myself into my favorite tv shows as a really cool character, mostly because I thought I was boring.  These days I realize that most of my life has been insane and that maybe boring wouldn't have been such a bad thing.  Now that I've probably got you all wondering why the hell you ever started reading this in the first place, I'm going to stop for now.  Come back and visit, meet the family, the ones who protect me, and those who have tried to destroy me along the way.  Will it be a fun journey? not always, but it WILL be HONEST, and heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time.  So follow me......@katunleashd.

~Kath~